When Relationships Don’t Work: Five Powerful Psychological Principles You Need to Know

1. Relationships are always about emotions. They’re not about logic, fixing issues, or solving the problem (the one you probably want to deal with). Underneath all the arguments and fighting, humans only ever want emotional connection (emotional safety) and to feel loved (attachment theory).

When relationships are struggling - you will feel anxious – and both of you will constantly be in fight/flight mode. You will need a safe space (in the relationship and inside you).

2. Relationships are ALL about the ‘dance’ between you. The ‘dance’ is what you actually do in the relationship when you feel and think things. When you do things in the relationship (e.g., yell, go silent, get angry, storm out and walk away), you trigger your partner to think, feel and do things. Both of you then get caught in a ‘vortex’ of swirling feelings and behaviours that go around and around and around. Now you are stuck in the ‘dance’.

Knowing your dance and dismantling it so you can avoid getting caught up in the never-ending cycle can save your relationship. We all have patterns of behaviour (from past experience) that can keep this dance going endlessly unless we intervene.

3. You need to answer only one question: Are you prepared to work on your relationship? It’s definitely not easy. When you are ready and willing, we don’t need fairy dust from heaven – we need you to do the work. I’ll give you the work to do. It’s okay sometimes not to know or to be in an uncertain space.

Like children and careers, we do the work because we are committed to the vision of how we want things to be

4. What do you bring to the emotional space between you? What beliefs? What behaviours? Each of us brings our own stuff. Maybe you can see perfectionism, the sensitivity to rejection, loneliness, hopelessness, fear and some old unhappiness. What goes on in this emotional space when things go wrong? Do you stop talking, criticise, shut down, put up walls, drink too much, get angry, procrastinate, avoid answering messages or going out socially, refuse to face issues, talk through scary things, or leave and go away?

You will need to know yourself and what you bring to the relationship. Then you’ll understand why some events or situations trigger you. You’ll need strategies that help you deal with these old thoughts and feelings.

5. Feelings are often fleeting/changing and are not always reliable indications of what you should do (sometimes they are). Instead, make decisions based on your life’s purpose and what is important to you long-term. Or wait until you can find a quiet, strong place inside you whenever you need to make important decisions.

What do you stand for in this relationship? What do you believe your relationship is about, and what will you fight for? What makes you angry and disappointed? How do you see this relationship in the years to come?