How to talk to your partner when you’re mad!

What do you do when you want to talk to someone and you’re both feeling angry, frustrated and unhappy — when you’re both highly emotional and reactive?

You know that the conversation won’t last long before it turns into a fight, a lot of yelling or both of you trading words that will result in hurt, disappointment and even more anger.

When you feel highly emotional, don’t even try to have this conversation.

Instead take a break until you feel calmer, or ask your partner to help you come up with a specific time when you think you will both be less angry or upset.

In every conversation you need to respect the ground rule.

The ground rule is that you both should always feel ‘safe’ when you are talking to one another.

Being ‘safe’ means that:

·       Nobody will use criticism — criticism says that there is something about you that is fundamentally wrong.

·       Both of you will feel accepted by the other partner — accepted in terms of your different ideas, emotions and ways of doing things.

·       You know your partner will really listen to what you have to say — before jumping in, interrupting or pushing back on what you are saying.

·       The way you feel (even when it is negative) is okay — it’s your feeling and it’s important to you.

If you are having conversations without feeling ‘safe’ then it’s very likely that you are not getting anywhere.

What you can do:

You can practice the skills of having safe conversations by making time to talk to your partner regularly throughout the week. In these times, steer clear of the big issues or the things that always cause problems between you.

Practice just chatting, asking open-ended questions and really listening to the answers.

These skills will prepare you for difficult conversations, but more importantly they help train your brain to feel safe and at ease. When you are not fighting, defending or feeling angry, you are not in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

Then your brain ‘remembers’ to feel safe with your partner and you are able to access the softer emotions (caring, compassion, concern) that will help you build your relationship.